An Outline of My Drinking Habits, by Pollyanna Cowgirl

I. If I drink 1-2 alcoholic beverages in a night, I am so much fun.
A. Behaviors include:
1. Heightened capacity for being hilarious.
2. Dancing.
3. Singing.
4. Hugging and/or "being touchy."

II. 3-4 drinks includes the aforementioned and adds a few behaviors.
A. I may fall down.
1. I may attempt to blame this fall on outside influences, i.e. slippery floor, high heels, etc
B. At this point, I no longer photograph well.
1. This problem can be caused by one or more of the following: blotchy skin, exaggerated
facial expressions, and "drunk eyes."
C. I am capable of asking for a stranger's phone number.
D. If I am at home, I may attempt a "booty call."

III. 5 + drinks only leads to negative behaviors.
A. I may cry uncontrollably.
1.Possible reasons for drunken crying.
I. A general feeling of weepiness, often accompanied by the classic "I love you, man."
II. The sadness of the weight of the world is too much to bear.
III. A person is not doing what I want them to do, also categorized as a "hissy fit."
B. On rare occassions, I may try to coerce a person to sleep with me (see "booty call", 2D.)
C. I may pass out.
1. Contact lenses, jewelery, and party clothing may be left on.
D. Most rare: vomiting.

1 comment:

readyrobot said...


E. upon arriving home, leaving clothing strewn all about the house, leading your housemate in the morning to believe that you exploded.

what did you fall under last night? hmm?