1.28.2005

a serious post, for once.

No one close to me has ever died. Not yet. I know that they will, someday, but someday seems very far away, and I truly can't imagine losing anyone I love.

I found out yesterday that someone I worked with was killed in a car crash, and I can't stop thinking about him. How he always had a soda and a salad for lunch, and how perfect his salads looked, like they were on a menu or in a commercial. And how he would recommend good wine to me, always checking to see how I liked it the next day. And how pretty and blue his eyes were, and mostly, how nice he was.

I don't know if I should feel silly for letting it affect me this much, the death of someone I barely knew, but I keep thinking about how people affect each other's lives, and how simple moments of kindness can mean so much.

The good old question, "Why, God, why?" keeps popping into my head, but then I remember that I don't even believe in God, and things get even more confusing and sad. My friend from work summed up this "why?" feeling in an e-mail sent this morning:

he was a nice guy. he had a pony tail but just recently cut it off. his new hair cut looked really good. he always came through my line and we often shared our lunch time together in the break room...i went to the bathroom and sat in the stall for a while not really knowing how to react. i was in shock. "i'll never see him again. how sad." i kept picturing him in my head. remembering that he was the first person to help me choose my very first 6-pack of beer. i kept wondering why he decided to cut off his hair. ya know how some people wake and just decide things like that. like, "i think it's time for a new beginning. i'll start with my hair. today i'm going to cut off my pony tail." then he dies in a car crash a week or two later. life is nuts, polly. death is even crazier.

I can't really say anything else myself. I can quote someone else though. Enjoy. And try to share the love you have, as often as you can. You might be remembered fondly by a stranger.

Do you realize—that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes—let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

-Flaming Lips, "Do You Realize"




3 comments:

some dude said...

Sorry to hear about your coworker. I had a similar experience with a former roommate/coworker. We weren't that close, but she was definitely a part of my every day life at that time. One day I get a call from one of our other roommates saying that she had died in a car accident. I was sad but more of a removed sadness. Like being sad about hearing about a tragedy on the news or something. I actually haven't thought about her in ages until I read your post. I've never lost anyone close either.

jordananne said...

Hey Polz,
I'm really sorry to hear about your friend/co-worker. Sometimes the extra's in our lives effect us more then we know huh? I definetly do NOT think that you should feel silly for feeling his loss. A loss is a loss no matter how close or far you are from the person.
I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and I still read your blog just about everyday!!
Much Loves
Jordan

kit said...

oh, dude. i know exactly how you feel: http://foxjetswimteam.blogspot.com/2005/01/humbling-moment.html
i cried myself to sleep over a woman i have never met, but it made me feel better, like i was with my friend at that moment, and somehow i could make things better for her...
when it's your peers, though, it is so much more startling. we're all in it together.