I talk about pee...freely!

It has come to my attention that I might want to look into charging for my urine, since so many people seem to want it these days.

A few days ago I got a call from Stanford saying they needed another 24-hour urine sample (this would be the third in about one and a half months) because the lab messed up and didn't do all the tests they were supposed to do on it. There is nothing like seeing a huge-ass plastic jug slowly fill with your leavings, then carry it around a hospital hoping no one will guess what's inside your Nordstrom's handlebag. I will be having this pleasure at least once more.

Today I got a sweet temp receptionist job, but the company requires a drug test for all employees. What does that mean, you ask? Another urine sample! The place I went to was kind of weird; it basically existed for the purpose of taking urine samples, and for whatever reason they don't let you flush; there's a big sign above the toilet that says, "IF YOU FLUSH, YOUR SAMPLE WILL BE VOID."

I am getting very, very good at peeing into receptacles other than toilets. Is this a skill I can use?

There is some good news on the pee-pee front, however. Today I learned that since I did so well on my Mac-3 scan (a measure of kidney function) that I might not have to do the craziest urine test of all, which includes getting hooked up to two IV's for four hours, sitting in a bed and peeing periodically while hooked up to said IV's. Let's cross our legs...I mean, fingers. HA!


ted d. said...


Back in ye olden times, I had to take a pee pee test and physical at a place who just did piss tests and physicals.

The terlet had no water in it and when you flushed it, colored chemical water filled it (no cheating!)

I produce my sample and handed it to the clerk. Perhaps a temp, dunno. The weird thing is, she was this ordinary girl, probably used to guys hitting on her...

And all I could do while she checked the pH, and run some other legitimating tests on my hot urine in her hands was ask he about her job. Was it weird? Does it freak you out? Did you think you'd be doing this?

Eventually I realized I was out of line, just curious. I chock it up to fear that I one day will find myself in her shoes.

Anne Lynch said...

I love your pee blog post. I had to do a drug test once and it was the funniest thing. They also made me lock up my purse while I peed.