The Greatest Entertainment Experience of My Life

After my relaxing weekend at the beach, where the raunchiest music I heard was Jimmie Rodgers singing about eternal love for his own wife, I was treated to a few days in Portland, where I slowly re-integrated back into mainstream society. On my final night in town, after two perfect Manattans and lovely conversation with new and old friends, I was made privy to a very special DVD experience. Previously unknown to me, R. Kelly has written what can only be described as a five-part opera, entitled Trapped in the Closet 1-5, and if you purchase his latest CD, you can both listen and see the accompanying videos.

I implore you to do so. I was screaming with disbelief about thirty seconds in, and it only got better.

The plot is mind-blowing in its attempt to include the widest variety of dramtic conflicts. But here's the twist; R. himself sings all the parts. His philandering wife, the woman he's philandering with, a policeman, some dudes, everyone. And boy, everyone has a lot to say.

R. Kelly has some serious balls. But, I guess I knew that when he attempted to get away with that pee-play business with a teenage girl.

Since I know everyone who reads this is going to run out and find themselves a copy of it, I don't want to ruin the surprise ending, but here's a lyrical teaser:

Here we are. The four of us...In total shock... Me and her.I closed my mouth and swallowed spit,And I'm thinking to myself, "This is some deep shit!"And I said "So you're gonna tell me he's the one he's been talking to?"He says, "Yes", I say, "No", he says, "Yes", I say, "No", he says, "It's the truth!"
I said, "All of ya'll ass is crazy, let me up out this door,Because this is way more than I bargained for"She says, "Wait, I'm sure we can all fix this"Then I said, "I'm late, plus I ain't gotta damn thing to do with this!"But then she said, "Wouldn't you just like to know how it all began?"Then I thought to myself, and said, 'Quick, you got three minutes'Then it got real quiet, I said, "Somebody start talking"
She said, "My God, Rufus! I've got just one question,how could you do something like this? I'm so hurt!"He looked at her and said, "Bitch please, you've got your nervesWith all your club hoppin', lyin' when you said you was shoppin'.And now here you are in our home, and you're callin' me wrong."
"Okay you busted me! And that much I agree, you caught me cheatinggg!But this is a little extreme!"

All of y'all ass is crazy if you don't get a hold of this shit immediately. Seriously.