Merry Christmas!

Dearest friends,

I hope you've had a lovely holiday season. I know I have. As usual, I didn't get around to doing all the things I had planned (like updating this blog every darn day!), but the wonderful hours I've been able to spend relaxing with my family have been absolutely worth it.

Depending on your mood, you can watch young Judy singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" from the lush, delightful, and surprisingly hilarious film Meet Me in St. Louis, or older Judy singing the same tune from her Christmas special many years later. Both versions are pretty touching, if you like that kind of thing. Merry Christmas!

Steve Martin's 5 Christmas Wishes!

Because NBC is lame and makes it impossible to find old SNL clips on YouTube, you'll just have to listen to this one, old-fashioned style. It's one of my favorites.

Winter Wonderland Girls

I learned something important from this holiday video. Never stand between two good-looking twins when you are average-looking at best.

Are you a human living in an elf-sized house? If you are, you might be finding it difficult to decorate for the holidays. At my house, nearly every surface is already occupied by a necessary item like a toaster, or an equally necessary item like my Playmobil sink full of Playmobil hedgehogs, so where to put my hundreds of holiday knick-knacks when the season requires?

This year, I've cleared my mantel and just put as many decorations as I could fit there, instead of placing bits and pieces of holiday cheer throughout the room, which might go unnoticed due to the dearth of non-seasonal clutter. Our mantel is great and we're lucky to have it, but it's above a ruse fireplace which is actually home to a hideous, immovable heater box. So just pretend there's a roaring fire beneath my display. I used red and green books to create height, and our fake tree is the perfect size.

If you don't have room for a real tree but can't survive without that fresh tree smell, I suggest getting a swag (available at Trader Joe's this year!) to hang on the inside of your door, or go to your local tree lot and ask if they have any free branch clippings. Sometimes you have to pay, but you can put the branches on a windowsill or mantel. You can even rest twinkle lights within the branches.

Heed my words: don't let anything stop you from decorating this year!

Postcards From the Edge...I mean, SLO.

Dear Readers,

Things got crazy! Things always get crazy, if they aren't already crazy, and this occurrence is especially common around the holidays. And often, things are not as they seem. Even I, the biggest Christmas fan in these United States, get cranky sometimes.

A few short moments after this idyllic photo was taken, I made some cruel remark to my mother across the table and shattered a lovely holiday brunch! Christmas stress is a bitch and it affects everyone, even in a seemingly safe zone like the Madonna Inn Cafe. So today I say, let's all take a deep breath, relax, and try not to lash out at your loved ones. Ten days 'til Christmas!

My last Christmas in Portland, I attended a holiday party where someone had gotten a hold of the infamous 1878 Star Wars Christmas Special. The horror stories surrounding this piece of television are many and delightful, and we were all super excited to experience it.

But even after two Manhattans and a great deal of holiday cheer, I found it completely unwatchable! And believe me, I love Star Wars and have a lot of patience for its embarassments. I deserted the TV for a private reading of "The Night Before Christmas," and moved on with my evening. Therefore, I present to you a piece of entertainment unwatched by you or me; "Happy Life Day," the faux-Christmas holiday celebrated by space peoples of many galaxies. Enjoy?

Day 9: The Best Duet Since Bing and Bowie

I have a soft spot in my heart for good old John Denver. He did great work with the Muppets in the 70's and 80's; here's a sweet version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with Rowlf the Dog.

Dec 6-7: Making Up For Lost Time

I'm back! My goodness, I was busy this weekend! Yesterday I made some Christmas money at the CCA Holiday Fair, which is actually money to help our little family squeak by until 2009 without real jobs. I had a great time; it's really fun selling directly to my target audience of 16-24 year-olds. They really like my stuff and I get a big ego boost out of it. 

But enough with this chatter. This Christmas song I found may beat Slade in the awesomest, weirdest, spookiest categories. Again I plumbed the holiday depths of the UK to find this for y'all. Without further ado, I present to you Wizzard, performing "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Eery Day." Enjoy!

Day 5: PICTURES OF COOKIES.

I'm busy preparing for the CCA Holiday Fair tomorrow, so I'm offering you this cookie array for today's post. I especially like the gingerbread dog. All the pics are from my copy of Good Housekeeping's Cake Decorating book, and the COOKIE TRAY is a real item now in my possession, picked up last weekend at the SLO swap meet. See you tomorrow!

Day 4: Shit That Don't Stink

I went to Michael's craft store today, and, boy, does that place stink. Like every fake holiday smell you can imagine; a leeetle too cinnamon-appley, or Fir tree-y, or French vanilla-y. The best holiday smells sometimes don't translate well to candles, soaps, or lotions. And since living with a scent-sensitive person, I've had to tone down my potent odors.

But I've found an all-natural, delicious-smelling, inexpensive body care product that I love, and he can stand the smell of. Sappo Hill's Oatmeal Soap. It smells exactly like oatmeal cookies in a totally non-cloying way. I want a bar of this soap tied to my face so I can smell it all the time. Is that weird? You can find it at most natural food stores for under $2.00.

It's also got oatmeal in it, which is a good exfoliant. Don't let its cookie shape fool you, though. It is not delicious. Don't ask me how I know.

December 3: One Decent Piece of Cake

It's no secret that I love Christmas. But I've kept quiet about my recent discovery that I love fruitcake. Fruitcake, yes, fruitcake, that subject of so much holiday derision and mockery, can be quite delicious!

A family friend brings us a fruitcake every year. I won't lie, it does look like an old hardened brown hunk of yuck, but oh my god, it tastes so good. I like mine for breakfast, toasted and buttered.

I've never attempted to make one myself, but I discovered someone who'd like to share her fruitcake recipe with you. I'm speaking of none other than Fanny Craddock, who I happened upon while scouring YouTube. A sour old British bag with none of the warmth of a Julia Child, Fanny made a series of Christmas Cookery television specials which apparently are rebroadcast in Britain from time to time. I'm interested in the fact that she took her cooking show on the road, preparing food on in theaters including the Royal Albert Hall! That's weird, right?

Her Wikipedia article has some gems, including my new favorite quote: "Only a slut gets in a mess in the kitchen."

There's a warm place in my heart for fusty old broads who insist on the holiday spectacle; without them, I wouldn't be spreading my Christmas magic here. Although I'm sure Fanny would agree that as far as the kitchen goes, I'm a huge slut.

December 2: Glam Rock Christmas

Poll-i-day Christmas Blog, Day One!

Longtime readers of this blog may already know how I feel about Christmas. For anyone who's still in the dark, let me make it clear: I LOVE CHRISTMAS. I love gingerbread, wreaths, egg nog, twinkle lights, fireplaces, the pre-Jim Carrey Grinch, holly, and cats/dogs/bunnies wearing Santa hats. Every day, for the month of December, I'll be posting holiday projects, photos, craft tutorials, stories, recipes, and the most wonderfully unsettling old-timey-videos I can find.

I'll also address how to celebrate fully while on a serious budget, including making your own gifts, buying handmade, making your house smell great even if it's too tiny to hold a fresh tree, and dealing with the always unexpected but ever-present holiday stress.

Amazingly, the Poll-i-day Christmas Blog already has a spinoff! Beloved friend Squidhelmet needs your vote so that the world will finally, officially know The Worst Rendition of Baby, It's Cold Outside.

The photo above is from my old lobby when I lived in the Rena Villa during the Christmas of 2004. Helen, my elderly, chain-smoking landlady, reigns supreme as the most Christmas-obsessed person I've ever encountered. There was a special secret storage room in the building filled to the brim with decorations, which she tirelessly used to create a kitsch wonderland.

I once stumbled home drunk at 3 AM, and upon shoving my key in the front door, discovered Helen, a cigarette hanging from her lip, stringing twinkle lights around each staircase post. This level of dedication is something I'll be striving for in the weeks to come.